Heineken 0.0 is a Revelation

I’ve had more than my fair share of beer in life. I quit drinking since then, but beer was always my beverage of choice. Light beers were my favorite— the crisp, clean, refreshing carbonated taste. Inevitably, though, as with every drinker, it came with a cost.

I never cared for wine. I kind of always knew it sucked, but I would kid myself into thinking I liked it. I even went as far as to claim that I could taste the difference between the chocolate, leathery, tannin rich notes of a Malbec versus the fruit forward head of a Cabernet Sauvignon. It’s all just rotten, bitter grape juice— a decadent and depraved delusion.

Can we stop pretending that wine is sophisticated and/or enjoyable? Or have we all deluded ourselves into thinking that expensive wine epitomizes affluence, and should thereby be appreciated?

But enough about wine. Liquor is clearly the most fallible of the libations. It’s basically poison. That’s why most of us have to dilute it and mix it with non-alcoholic liquids, or take it as a shot and get it over with as quickly as possible. There are those masochists who claim to enjoy sipping on liquor neat, or on the rocks. It’s safe to say that they aren’t drinking pure liquor for the taste.

Whether it be tequila, rum, whiskey, or some exotic European liqueur, they all taste awful. The entire premise for the job of a bartender is to find ways to mask the awful taste of alcohol. If what your drink causes you to “make a face,” and it ISN’T medicine, then you probably need to take some personal inventory and figure out why you feel the need to drink it.

And then there’s beer. At one point, I was the guy who would kid himself into thinking that high ABV (that’s alcohol by volume, for you teetotalers), IPAs in fact tasted good. The more IBUs (International Bitterness Units) you can tolerate, the higher you rank on the beer snob totem pole, right?

Beer lovers, forgive me, but I don’t buy that you actually enjoy the extreme level of hoppiness that is synonymous with most craft beers. You can’t sincerely claim that you drink Dogfish Head 90-Minute IPA “for the taste.” If that’s true, you might as well read Playboy “for the articles.”

Light beer, admittedly, is a little easier to get behind—because the very things that make beer taste bad (alcohol and hops), are present in much smaller concentrations, so most people can give light beer a pass.

Light lagers have been a popular pastime throughout the world for a while now, but alcoholic beverage companies are finally starting to position themselves for the public realization (and thus consumer market trend) that the taste of alcohol is actually awful.

The demand for beer boils down to 2 underlying consumer demands:

1)    The Demand for Cold, Refreshing Beverages

The first is the demand for carbonated drinks. People love cold, carbonated beverages. That’s why soda, energy drinks and sparkling water are so prominent in our society. Cold, carbonated beverages are hard to replace. People will always buy them. The demand for these types of products seems to be mostly inelastic. Recession or not, the beverage industry always seems to survive. When a beverage product can “do something for you,” like give you energy or numb your anxiety and inhibitions, then that’s a selling point for the average consumer.

2)    The Demand for Alcohol

Let’s face it. Most people are drinking alcohol just for the buzz. This is another reason why mild, hard seltzers are all the rage right now. People want the alcohol, but they don’t want to taste it.

When a wine or liquor tastes less alcoholic, we call it “smooth.” When a beer tastes less alcoholic, we call it, “superior drinkability,” “easy drinking,” or some othe BS marketing buzzword.

We’ve all been duped into thinking that alcoholic beverages taste pleasurable. Even a $100 bottle of fine, aged wine tastes like garbage compared to grape juice. A lot of us are in denial about this fact—because we want to justify the alcohol.

With most of the new hard seltzers on the market, you can hardly taste the alcohol. That’s intentional. People want to get drunk or buzzed without tasting the poison, and now it’s turning into a competition amongst alcoholic beverage makers—"Who can make the least alcoholic tasting, highest ABV product?”

Sincere Side Note: If you’re drinking just for the effect, please realize that alcohol does nothing but mask the symptoms of underlying mental health issues. Much like a prescription antidepressant, it is not a cure. If you are drinking because you’re struggling with depression or anxiety, please feel free to reach out to me. There’s a contact page on this website.

The Fall of Alcohol

Heineken, on its quest for “smoothness,” capitalized on a vastly growing niche market that is rebelling against alcohol. It’s a market trend driven mostly by Millennials, and seemingly being carried on with Gen Z. Say what you want about these younger generations, they’re wising up to the fact that alcohol is an overrated, glamorized, foul-tasting poison.

So Heineken decided to reinvent non-alcoholic beer, for future generations.

This is the beginning of the story of the demise of alcohol. Let’s call it “self-imposed prohibition.”

Non-Alcoholic Beers Suck

I had seen Heineken 0.0 in stores for a while now. I admit, I’m a bit late to the party. I’m used to N/A beers tasting like junk. If it came down to a sparkling water or kombucha versus an N/A beer, the N/A beer would always lose. Who wouldn’t choose a GT’s Kombucha or San Pellegrino over an O’Doul’s?

(Sorry, O’Douls.)

The unfortunate truth is that most N/A beer isn’t great—and it doesn’t seem to matter whether it’s a lager or a dark beer, either. I tried Lagunitas IPNA and about 4 ounces sipped, I realized that I only ever drank IPA’s in the past because of the high alcohol content.

If you truly believe that you enjoy the taste of IPAs, then I implore you to try drinking a 6-pack of non-alcoholic IPA. I doubt you’ll have a good time.

Craft beer drinkers are going to hate me for this, but I think we’re falling for, or at least going along with, an elaborate plot centuries in the making to mold adults into “acquiring a taste” for a bitter, disgusting beverage, all the while patting ourselves on the back for how sophisticated we are for being able to tolerate something so genuinely unpalatable.

To my surprise, Heineken seems to be recognizing this hard truth, and has decided to take everything unpleasant about beer, remove it, and keep the rest.

This is my experience with Heineken 0.0.

Heineken 0.0 Review

This beer tastes like everything I imagined beer would taste like as a kid.

Before I knew the taste of alcoholic beer, everything I knew about beer was based on what I saw on TV. Watching Homer Simpson enjoying a tall, frosty glass of Duff in Moe’s Tavern, seeing countless TV commercials depicting crisp, refreshing, carbonated, straw to amber colored glasses of beer, with happy, healthy looking adults having the time of their lives while drinking it and watching sports.

To me, beer always seemed like it would taste good. My basis for this was based on watching other people’s reactions while drinking it.

Heineken 0.0 is the first beer that I can safely say doesn’t have a hint of anything that would cause you to “make a face.” It is as refreshing as sparkling water. The best way I can describe it is beer flavored sparkling water.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Most extraordinarily light beers, like Miller 64 or Budweiser 55, have historically been disgusting. I can assure you, that Heineken 0.0 is not disgusting. It might not be worth the calories for you, and I get that and totally support the decision to avoid consuming empty calories, but it is not disgusting. In fact, even the pickiest child could probably enjoy this truly N/A beer.

It is without a doubt the “easiest drinking” beer I have ever tried in my life.

If you are someone who has adopted an alcohol free lifestyle, I applaud your decision, and I want you to know that this is an amazing, truly alcohol free product that will not interfere with your sobriety. Zero alcohol means zero alcohol. Somehow, they got rid of the 0.5% that’s common with N/A beers.

Heineken is going to love/hate this review, because I would argue that Heineken 0.0 tastes a lot better than regular Heineken, or Heineken Light.

The best way I can describe this beer is that it’s like a light, liquid bread. I use it as a post-workout rehydration drink—gently carbing up, while hydrating. It is far lower carb than a sports drink, at 69 calories and 16 grams of carbs per 11.2 oz serving. Heineken 0.0 might just become my Gatorade.

(Gotta put my personal trainer hat on. Obviously, for re-hydration, everything should take a backseat to good old fashioned WATER!)

If you’re in recovery or have simply chosen to live a sober lifestyle, or are even just sober-curious, I recommend trying this beer.

If you’re an ex-drinker who finds him/herself reminiscing over a refreshing pint, then this beer is for you—and I guarantee you that it tastes far better than whatever you were drinking before. Trust me on this one. If you are sober, this is enough. It’s as good as it gets.

Here’s to Heineken 0.0 for creating a beer that helps sober people enjoy a beloved pastime, without forsaking their sobriety.

The search for a decent tasting, truly N/A beer is over. I hope this product thrives and other breweries follow suit.

0.0% ABV might just be the future of beer.